Ask Nicole: This month—separated parents and addressing teen anxiety

-By Nicole M. Young, MSW

Raising kids is incredibly rewarding—and possibly the hardest job you’ll ever have. Whether you’re a parent, a grandparent or other caregiver of a child or teen, chances are you’ve wished for support and guidance at one time or another. I know I have.

This column was created to provide a forum for sharing parenting questions and suggest practical solutions that strengthen family relationships. This month we’re looking at some really challenging issues, including newly separated parents and disengaged teens. Keep reading to get practical tips and ideas based on the world-renowned Triple P Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have a question for next month, please email me at triplep@first5scc.org.

Dear Nicole,

My husband and I recently separated and we’re trying to keep our children’s lives as “normal” as possible. However, my 6-year-old son is angry at not spending as much time with his dad and is taking it out on everyone, especially me. What can I do?

--Deborah, Felton

Dear Deborah,

Separation and family changes are difficult for everyone involved, no matter what the age. For children, separation can be stressful, sad and confusing. Kids may feel uncertain or angry because their parents are not living together, yet they may not know how to express their feelings. Reassure your son that it’s ok to have those feelings and that both parents still love him. You could say something such as, “It’s hard when the people we love aren’t around us all the time. I love you even when you’re not here with me, just like your dad loves you when you’re not with him.” Let your son know that even though he doesn’t see his dad every day, he still is a part of his life and will be there for him. If possible, schedule a time when he can talk to his dad each day.

Try to maintain a regular routine and a calm, loving presence for your son. If he acts out, help him express his feelings and needs positively. Your patience and listening will reassure him that he can always rely on both his parents for stability, structure and love – no matter whose house he’s in.

Dear Nicole,

My teenage daughter has changed since school started. She’s no longer her happy self. She is more anxious and refuses to participate in activities she used to enjoy. Should I be worried?

--Chris, Santa Cruz

Dear Chris,

Being a teenager (and the parent of a teen) can be very stressful, which can lead to anxiety. Your daughter might be reacting to the pressures of school work, issues with friends or a recent event that left her feeling scared or disappointed. Teens often react by trying to avoid the situations that cause anxiety, and even can feel ashamed or embarrassed about their feelings.

Try talking to your daughter about how things are going at home and school.  Listen for signs that she feels disappointed, overwhelmed or fearful, or that she believes she has no control over negative things that happen to her.  Reassure her that her feelings are normal, then offer some suggestions for coping with them. Teach her how to take slow, deep breaths whenever she starts to feel stressed or anxious. Encourage her to have realistic expectations for goals and capabilities. Have her write down her thoughts when she starts to get anxious.  For each negative thought – “I can’t do this.  I’ll never get through this.” – have her write down a different, positive thought – “I can try my best.  I will be ok.”  With your support and encouragement, your daughter will develop important skills for coping with stress that she’ll use throughout her life.

Nicole Young manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P - Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. For more information, including classes and one-on-one meetings to help parents handle everyday parenting challenges, visit triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or www.youtube.com/triplepsantacruzco. To get a copy of the Triple P Pocket Guide for Parents or find a Triple P class or practitioner, contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.