Moms Talk: Sex

“Mom, what’s a virgin?”

“A virgin is someone who has never had sex, honey.”

That was a recent conversation with my 10-year-old son, which occurred on the way home from school.

Figuring out when to have certain—ahem—conversations with children is an age-old parenting dilemma. Formal sex education starts at the end of elementary school, when most kids are 11, give or take a year. But that doesn’t mean they are learning everything they eventually need to know.

My parents never had that conversation with me, and my reaction to that has been to talk to my son about sex early and often. Whenever the opportunity presents itself, I take it as my responsibility to keep the dialogue going.

I’m not sure how I knew anything about sex, given the vow to never speak of it in our home, but I did. My dolls had sex, my friends talked about sex and, eventually, well, I had sex, too. Not talking about it didn’t make it disappear.

When my son was 5, I got him the book, Where Did I Come From? That was our first discussion around the birds, bees and the array of feelings people have about sex. We read it together, and that started his sex education.

I want my son to be informed, so I talk to him about life, sex and everything in between. When kids are on the playground, using words they don’t actually know the meaning of, but knowing they are taboo, I want my son to be the one who actually knows the meaning and uses the words intelligently. But, that’s just me.

We just watched the Glee episode in which Kurt’s dad has “the talk” with him—best sex talk I’ve ever heard. Again, I took the opportunity to open the communication lines with my son, encourage him to ask questions and make sure he knows that it’s safe to talk about sex with me, even if it is a little embarrassing.

I love the message Kurt’s dad conveys. Sex isn’t just about the mechanics, which kids will learn about in their Family Life unit. It’s about feelings. Feelings people have about themselves and feelings their sexual partner has around being sexually intimate. Basically, he says, don’t treat sex as if it doesn’t mean anything, because it does, whether you acknowledge it or not.

Mind you, Kurt is in high school. My son is in elementary school, so some of the nuances are lost, but it’s a starting place. Kids are already talking about sex among themselves from an early age, so helping them become informed early can take some of that mysterious charge out of the conversations they have when parents are not around.

Sex is natural. Choosing not to talk with children about it because of fear and social taboos perpetuates irresponsibility. Kids will make their own decisions when the time comes, but equipping them with the skills to think it through, along with giving adequate, accurate information—that’s a parent’s job.